Intro

A year or so after writing the original intro to this blog I find myself in somewhat different circumstances. Having finished my studies in 2011, procrastination is no longer the driving factor behind my pieces. As it turns out, I have joined 3 friends from varsity, two of which left London last July, in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, for a trip home of a slightly different kind. A trip that allows me the luxury of not giving a continental about the fuel price but more about the direction of the wind and the gradient of the road as we endeavour to cycle back home to the city we all met, Cape Town . When time, money and UN's most recently added human right, internet access, is available I will be spending my time turning random notes, scribbles and possibly illustrations fit only for display in the age 5-7 category at the Bathurst Show in my leather-bound journal into readable content of varying natures. I'll do this to satisfy my own need to write crap as well as to ensure that memories made are never forgotten, much like the memories never remembered every weekend in my undergrad stint at UCT. If it turns out people read this and enjoy it...epic! My fellow adventurers can be followed on TomAndMattCycle.com and Along4TheCycle.blogspot.com.



Tuesday, February 22, 2011

A Critical Evaluation of the sex-less Neighbour's Complaint Letter

Some way into the second year of my not-so-amicable neighbourship with the previously mentioned KC - whose hatred of me rivalled, if not topped, the ill- feelings I have toward Stellenbosch University (the use of the word ‘University’ is, admittedly, highly debateable), beggars (especially the ones who, after allowing them to do four days of gardening for you and overpaying them in good faith and charity, steal your laptop) and the little ginger UCT mascot (who hasn’t realised that, after four years of running on ahead of the UCT Varsity Cup rugby team, he is no longer cute but is still ginger) – I, along with the rest of the units in my block of apartments, received a strongly worded and grammatically flawed letter bitching about how crap his life was. The letters were addressed: ‘Unit A’, ‘Unit B’, ‘Unit C’, ‘Unit D’, and ‘Unit E – Buster and party animals’. The kind mention made me feel as special as Josie must have felt when they named her band ‘Josie and the Pussycats’.
Everything in italics is a direct quote from the letter I received and hung up on my fridge for the rest of the year for general entertainment purposes. I apologise in advance for the numerous Malema-esque spelling and grammatical errors.
“I write this letter in anger.”  Classic opening line! So concise and direct that you can almost picture the veins popping out of his fat, red neck as he pounds away at the keyboard one key at a time.
“We have lived in our lovely house for 14 years. We are used to living amongst students. We work with students every day. - Noddy Badge.
“How ever – that’s one word KC. Spell check. Get it – we have never lived next to such inconsiderate noisy neighbours/ students. We simply cannot tolerate and accept this ongoing disruption of our peace and our sleep any longer. We have never in 14 years been woken up night after night repeatedly with shouting, screaming, car doors slamming, cars hooting, loud music from the apartment and cars, and gates being slammed. – The screaming I can account for, my digs mate had mad game (no! Not the digs mate dating my sister). One thousand apologies on that front. The strength required to slam an electric gate which, as unlikely as this seems, probably ways more than 4 times your body weight should be commended and possibly rewarded with a medal of sorts. – We have had to call the SAP Rondebosch more than once in two years to bring order to a party that got out of control. We had to call the SAP no less than 6 times in the last 6 months. – I can definitely vouch for the last two times the police came as they interrupted my work the first time and a serious ‘Californication’ session the second time (what I’d give to have the finesse of Hank Moody, my writing inspiration!). Nonetheless, I invited them in for tea and my gran’s health rusks (which taste delightful and are packed with goodness) before escorting them out, straight past the party next door that the police had been notified of, without them batting an eyelid or twitching an ear.
“We have spoken to the management agents to bring this to their attention. We have spoken to the body corporate. In fact, we have been very nice about it, – hahahahahaha! That was a fake laugh by the way! – and we have had a little less noise for a short while. Unfortunately, we are back to the usual ‘stupid’ goings-on. Down downs at 5, – Really? At 5? Would that be in the morning or afternoon? If I was downing drinks at 5 in the morning I would definitely hold my hand and head up very high in claiming it. Talk about dopping lank. – leaving at 11 to take the drunk party somewhere else, - Correct me if I’m mistaken but it seems that even leaving draws a complaint – returning at 2 and 3 and 4 and this morning at 5 as well – Nice! – shouting and screaming and misbehaving. – Now seems a good time to use ‘misbehaving’ and ‘your mom’ in the same sentence but she’s probably well past the cougar stage of her womanhood and it’s just plain mean.
“No-one will tolerate this behaviour – Now would be a good time to note that there had not been a noise complaint from anyone within the complex from the time we moved in – and we are now done with it! We have a daughter – information you should not divulge to single students – that has not been able to homework - really? – in her room due to your parties. In fact, she often has to go to provincial galas – a father brimming with pride - with very little sleep as you kept her up all night. We have to go to work at 7 with almost no sleep the past two weeks. It is just unacceptable.
“We will give a copy of this letter to Sandak-Lewin (the managing agent), - who will probably return it with red scrawls on the page correcting your horrendous English – the body corporate and if they think it necessary, they will get in touch with the owners/ parents.- I’m as scared reading this as I was when I watched Final Destination 1. I was 13. I left the room. It was scary! –We will also discuss the intolerable situation with the Rondebosch Police in how to take matters further. Meadow Close is generating more noise than a nightclub! – I highly doubt that. Either Tin Roof wasn’t around in your day or they played Celine Dion and Shania Twain at the jol.
“We understand that you might be unaware of the noise and how it travels. How ever, you have been informed before and we are informing you again. Sound travels especially in a quiet area as our street.– That sentence makes less sense than the ramblings of the pissed bergie begging, and occasionally passed out, on the corner outside The Pig and Swizzle (what a fine establishment!)– In case you wonder, we have no trouble with the blocks behind us (Ravedis and Querida in Hope Street). Those flats are also occupied by students. – No, I wasn’t wondering, but thank-you for telling me the names of students who either live in one man flats that can’t hold anything in excess of a Flight of The Concords band meeting or have zero social life.
“Would your parents tolerate your behaviour and the noise? Please do not blame it on your friends. You are supposed to take responsibility for them. If they do not want to “obey”, ask them to leave!
“Lack of sleep makes one very crabby. In fact, depriving people of their sleep is considered a form of torture.
“We don’t expect you never to have fun. But do so responsibly and with consideration as one will expect from well educated students at a tertiary institution.”
Lots of love,
KC and his tortured family
Overall it was a decent effort. I was particularly impressed with the way you conveyed your anger and sense of betrayal from your neighbours. However (note how I spelt that), your grammar needs some serious work. I would recommend enrolling at Standard Grade level when you join the big boys at high school! Despite the fact that it helped get your point across, sleep deprivation is not a form of torture. You cannot just make up facts to suit your argument (it will get you in serious trouble at big school). After being used by the British government in the 70s as a means of interrogation, the European Court of Human Rights ruled that sleep deprivation “did not occasion suffering of the particular intensity and cruelty implied by the word ‘torture’”.
 As a reasonable and educated (Bachelor of Business Science (Finance), UCT Alumni 2010) adult, and taking into consideration that you live a mere 50 metres from the two biggest University residences, I see no end to the flow of students and student related noise around your house and neighbourhood and would strongly advise you to PISS OFF!

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