A couple of weeks ago I was asked to write an article for the Varsity paper about the UCT Internal Hockey League. I did so and it was eventually published. Somehow someone, between me sending it in to the hockey committee and Varsity newspaper publishing it, cut out half the words of the article. The talented editor took out paragraphs, sentences and random words in the middle of sentences leaving behind an article bearing my name that made almost zero sense and looked like it was written by a 12 year old on acid from the special English class – not unlike your average Youth League press statement. To save a bit of face I’ve decided to go ahead and post my original article pre-slaughter:
Many moons ago, in the time before our father’s fathers, the UCT Internal Hockey League was conceptualised. The vision was to create a platform for the beginner, social and seasoned hockey players alike to spend Sundays otherwise spent watching impressively unimaginative reruns of the blasphemously named ‘Chuck’ or losing internal football matches to Idiot FC.
Years later and the legacy lives on with teams of varying ability, vibe and colour – otherwise it would be hard to tell them apart – continuing to vie for the title. The league in question refers to real hockey played on a surface that doesn’t melt away in half-decent weather, played with a spherical ball and with only one player per side padded to the hilt. Anyone with a tendency to place the word ‘field’ before the name of the sport should:
a) Practice consistency with the naming of sports – ‘field soccer’ might be a good start -, and
b) Work on their accent
Apart from the res teams which drift in and out of existence, the honour of the oldest team in the league falls upon the defending champions, Average Joes. Incorporated soon after the release of the movie ‘Dodgeball’ by the exceedingly regular and unexciting Mr Joe, Joes are currently captained by Andrew ‘Grunter’ Grant and play in black and yellow (black and yellow). The team also includes two of Cape Town’s hottest DJ’s Carl Wiesner and James White – both members of the UCT 4th team that recently took down Stellenbosch 3rd XI.
Identifying themselves as challengers to the currently unbeaten Joes’ throne is Mavericks, the only other unbeaten side in the league thus far. The Mavericks’ run includes the prize scalp of 26:8 (a Bible verse that is harder to find than one might think – poorly referenced if you ask me) who were last years semi-finalists as well as the runner’s up Smuts House.
The Mavericks were founded three years ago in the memory of the very late Sir Samuel Augustus Maverick (1803 – 1870), the grandfather of U.S. Congressman Maury Maverick, who coined the term ‘gobbledygook’, and the source of the word ‘maverick’ meaning ‘independantly minded’ as well as the name given to his unbranded cattle, also known as ‘Hairy Dicks’ (Wikipedia, 2011). It is also a much-underrated strip-club in Cape Town. A gentleman knows.
In the league of Dolls, Ayoba! Lead the way with an unbeaten start including a 5-3 win over defending champions Tartans. Despite losing their multi-million dollar sponsorship from MTN due to naming rights issues stemming from serious overkill of the word and the fact that the use of the said word died with the advertising campaign in mid-2010 – the year Ayoba! (Apparently the exclamation mark is a necessary addition) were started by current captain Donne Brotherton, who incidentally holds the highly esteemed honour of two Mavericks caps to her name and the ability to hit the ball harder than most of her male contemporaries. The fact that Ayoba! Top the standings despite falling out of the top 4 last year comes as no surprise as their rumoured link to the talented, good-looking and manly Mavericks squad (which boast the likes of Brett ‘Hottest Dummie 2010’ Snyders, Jason ‘Cosmo’ Trautmann and Beki ‘Midnight’ Ngulube, whose name directly translates to: ‘have faith almighty bushpig’) seems to be rubbing off on them. “Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing” (vince Lombardi) – just ask any Lions fan.
The Internal League has split into two leagues in both the Men’s and Ladies section in a move toward a strength-v-strength format. The much awaited finals day will take place in the 3rd quarter, the men’s final being preceded by what is arguably the highlight of the UCT sporting calendar – closely followed by the Varsity Cup Final): Bushpigs vs Quaggas. The Bushies and Quaggs, the latter of which rhymes uncannily with a word that probably wouldn’t be published if I wrote it, are two social but serious external sides plying their trade in the dregs of the Western Province League against all odds and cheating officials. The opening goal of last years derby was scored by Andrew Smith – painted and dressed as an Avatar – with a guitar,m while this years warm-up match was settled by a fiercely contested game of ‘open gates’ during the half-time interval. No doubt a must-see!
For lack of a quirky phrase to end the article, I’ll do so in a [possibly incorrectly attributed] quote from Bushies captain Tarleton ‘Heartburn’ Hepburn when asked whether he prefers grass or astro: “I son’t know. I’ve never smoked Astroturf”.
