Many a theory has been proposed as to what the key to a woman’s heart is. In the film, Finding Forrester, Sean Connery says: “the key to a woman’s heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time”. James Bond just got less cool. The afore-mentioned gifts vary within a very limited range from chocolates and flowers to teddy bears and diamonds. Other pathetic, fluffy phrases like ‘making her feel beautiful’ and the like are bandied about as possible alternatives to the cliché presents. In my many years spent living rather than searching for this key, I may have stumbled upon a plausible alternative to selling your soul with dismally soppy Facebook wall posts documenting your undying love for your “better half” of 3 weeks, 4 days and 15 hours. I call it ‘Mother Game’.
Mother Game is the art of making a positive and lasting impression on mothers. The necessity for Mother Game arises from the two primary characteristics of the mother. The first of these is the tendency for a mother to take more interest in their child’s love life than they do in their weekly dose of Binnelanders. Accompanying this, there is absolutely no form of secrecy vow that will stop a mother from blabbing absolutely everything about their dearest child to anyone within earshot. On the end of this line of book-club gossip and motherly advice may be an absolute babe. By this stage in the gossip chain, the reference to you in casual chit-chatter may have inflated from ‘nice guy’ to ‘ideal boyfriend’, your image from plain old you to James Dean and the recommendation from a mild approval to outright insistence.
Before I get cracking on the topic at hand, I must point out two glaringly obvious flaws with this piece. First is the basic premise of the article. As chauvinistic and crude as this may sound, ladies, there is no doubting the fact that your heart is the last part of you that the lad chatting you up at the Tiger shooter bar was trying to access. That said, there are guys out there who just want to get to know the real you. They are gay.
The second issue that casts tremendous doubt over the validity of this content is the fact that my game is as bad as Paris Hilton’s acting, singing and general knowledge combined. Having said that, I do feel I am in possession of this rather unique attribute and potentially highly effective weapon and feel it only fair that I share my insights, so here it goes:
· Mothers love a well mannered fellow, just never over-do it. No one likes the chop trying too hard to impress. 2 points.
· Don’t focus completely on the mother. Show off your manliness by talking sport with the old man. Don’t mention chess; that’s not a sport. The reason for this is that, unless the mother in question loathes her husband and spends the hours she’s claiming to go to the gym nailing his best friend and financial advisor, she probably digs him, so her seeing that the two of you have things in common can’t hurt. 3-5 points.
· Never turn down a beer for a coke. Grow a pair. Encourage as much drinking as possible and always offer to fill up the mother’s drink when it starts to get low. 5 points.
· Once she starts getting rosy-cheeked bring out the old-school music classics and swing her around on the dance floor a couple of times. 7 points.
· Don’t lunge. That would be horribly awkward. -15 points.
Add your points tally, double it, subtract 2, and double it again. Anything over 55 will do (Accounts 3 is getting to me).
Do this, my son, and mothers will dig your vibe. Admittedly, and not at all surprisingly given my track record, none of the above tips have helped me get anywhere with the ever-complex female specimen. Nevertheless, following in the footsteps of most our lecturers whose voices we use as a natural alternative to sleeping pills: if you can’t do, teach.
